girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
