boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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