Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my sisters under your porch take her home
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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