That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
