yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
