Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
