I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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