1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Someone signed my nipple.
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