Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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