she looked like the before picture.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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