You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
