i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
