DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
