he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
