I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
