He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize