Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
