wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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