You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
