Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
