so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
