I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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