I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
