shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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