Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
