I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
