yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
