I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
