apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
