I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize