It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
