You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
