Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
