I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
