Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
