I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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