how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
