She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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