the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
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