i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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