he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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