Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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