K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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