im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
