I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
