david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
