Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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