I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
