There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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