Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
