I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
