my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
