Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
