The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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