1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
