I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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