So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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