This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize