Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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