Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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