omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Randomize
