nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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