Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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