The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
