i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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