I faked an abortion last night.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
