In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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